For a while, I have postponed writing this post for many reasons. For one, I know some people are going to judge me or think a certain way about me, and that’s fine, this won’t be the first post to cause such a reaction. I also thought about not writing it all together, you know, just keep my stuff to myself and move on. But this might actually help someone out there or tell someone that they aren’t alone and give some virtual support which I have decided to start doing more through this blog; sharing my personal stories and strongly hoping that someone out there finds the help that they need. Thirdly, I wanted to give this post another title, so it doesn’t sound controversial, but I just couldn’t figure out any other title to give this post so I don’t mislead people.
So here’s me, sharing a story of being mad at God some weeks ago, and I’m in no way saying it’s fine to be. I’m just putting this story out there for anyone why has felt this way in the past or recently even. Thinking about it, it’s something that built up for a long while. And it has nothing to do with me not praying but with me praying and not hearing from God.
So I read this book “When Heaven Seems Silent” some time ago, about three years ago actually and it was so beautiful. It IS so beautiful! An American couple wrote it, can’t remember their names right now. I got this book when I newly got saved to read on how to hear from God, you know like when you pray and want to be able to tell if it’s God speaking to you or just your thoughts. The book was completely different; it told a story of the different emotions this couple went through in their 20+ years of waiting for a miracle, including anger. The memories from this book actually helped me a lot in this period.
Back to my story, in school, I would pray, alone or in groups, and while praying, I would try my best to hear from God, to know what He had to say to me. Sometimes, I would even ask Him to speak through another person when people shared words of wisdom/knowledge, if He didn’t want to talk to me directly (I know, God always speaks to His children). Sometimes, I would get something close to what I wanted to hear; other times, I would get exactly what I wanted; most times, it was clear there was nothing for me to hear.
Fast forward to this lockdown; I was caught between career choices. I have seen how terrible the job market in Nigeria is, and I didn’t want to be caught up in that web. During my internship last year, I couldn’t get a placement for a month, and I know hoe frustrated that got me. I don’t want to feel that way anymore, I have been designing for a while now, both web and app, and I would say I’m getting good at it. I also really found out about product management. Product management is a combo of business, teach, and user research. This post isn’t about that, so I won’t go in-depth. Anyway, I just thought that since I have knowledge of all three in some way, and it’s something I can definitely learn more about, why not give it a shot?
In all this, I didn’t want to leave something as trivial as my career choices out of God’s hands, so I prayed again and again. At a point, I thought I wasn’t praying enough. So I got mad. It’s okay to shake your head at me or hiss or say one or two things, but I’ll say it as is. I was angry for wanting to hear and not hearing because it’s not like I wasn’t praying, you get? Anyway, for a while, I didn’t want to listen to any Christian/Gospel music, once a post or tweet had God in it, I didn’t want to see or read it. I just didn’t want any of it, and oh, the devil had a swell time. Whenever someone said something about God, he’ll go “so why didn’t he answer my prayers?” or something along those lines.
It was terrible. I was sinking! And I knew I didn’t want to be in that situation and I just couldn’t pull myself pout, not by myself. So I reached out. Reached out to a couple of friends and my pastor, told them how I felt without filtering anything, and the most amazing thing is that I didn’t feel judged. Instead, I was encouraged and prayed with and for. I felt loved!
And I knew in that instant that I was loved, by them and by God because it would take a God-filled person to hear what I had to say and not judge or condemn me or say I should give up on God totally. Slowly and surely, I got back to praying, and now, I know what God wants for me. I just know it. I’m not where I was or where I want to be, but I know I’m wayyy better than that angry girl from some weeks back.
So that’s that, I wanted to share my story, and I’ve done just that- raw and undiluted. And I hope it encourages someone out there. It’s not okay to stay mad at God, and godly relationships are more than necessary. They’re vital because they’ll be there to help you when you stumble.
Oh, one more thing, your faith will be tested, especially in tough times and seasons but at all times, learn to trust God. A big shout out to you xxox.